Fostering Secure Attachment during Settling in

Settling in a baby to nursery isn’t just about routines, paperwork, and polite hellos at the door. It’s a profound emotional process—for the baby, for their family, and for the educator too. When we take settling in seriously, we’re not just easing a transition—we’re helping to shape a child’s sense of safety, belonging, and curiosity. This isn’t a box to tick; it’s a relationship to build.

Let’s explore some key principles that can help guide settling-in practices in the baby room, in a way that respects the emotional reality of everyone involved.

1. Give Time and Space to Each Transition

Before we get into the practicalities, let’s pause and think about what transition really means.

Imagine going through a major life event—moving house, starting a new job, or grieving a loss. Now imagine doing two or three of those things at the same time. Most of us know how overwhelming that feels. Life transitions can shake the ground beneath our feet. They make us question what we know about the world, about ourselves, about what’s safe.

Now think about a baby. Their entire world has, up until now, likely centred around home and a small circle of familiar people. Settling into nursery isn’t just a change in routine, it’s a full-body, full-brain transition. It’s an earthquake of sorts. And like all quakes, it takes time to regain our balance.

So what does this mean for nursery practice?

• Don’t settle in more than one baby at a time. Each baby deserves your full attention during this emotionally charged period.
• Recognise that settling in is only done when a baby shows us they are safe, loved, and ready to learn. The brain tells us what stage a baby is in. If they’re mostly in survival mode—crying, clinging, unable to play—they’re not yet settled. Every baby’s settling in period will be different, and we shouldn’t assume that a baby will only take 1-2 weeks to settle in. It might be much longer than this before they feel able to move beyond checking that they are safe and loved, and start to engage in discovering and learning in the room.
• Use this language with your team and managers. If there’s pressure to rush through settling-in periods, push back by explaining that emotional readiness is not just a nice-to-have—it’s essential for healthy development.

2. Prepare for Emotional Distress

We often talk about “separation anxiety” as if it’s just a phase or behaviour. But neurologically, what a baby experiences during separation is fear. The amygdala—the brain’s alarm system—fires off a dysregulated stress response. Their body is flooded with stress hormones. They cry not to manipulate us, but to survive.

Our role as educators isn’t to ignore that fear or distract away from it. It’s to co-regulate—to lend our calm to their storm.

What is co-regulation? Co-regulation means helping a baby manage their big emotions through:

• Touch and closeness – a steady hand on their back, a cuddle if they want it
• Soothing voice and rhythm – slow speech, humming, or gentle singing
• Predictable presence – being physically close, and emotionally available. This is important even if a baby will not accept your touch. They might refuse to be held, or even yell when someone makes eye contact with them, but it is still important to remain physically available. We might sit beside them, or a metre away, just so they have a sense of our presence.

Every educator should know their go-to strategies for co-regulation. What works for you? Rocking? Soft singing? Lying on the floor beside them? These are skills—and they matter just as much as nappy changing and feeding.

3. Over-Communicate with Parents and Carers

Families are also going through a huge transition. But unlike babies, they might not show it. They might present as calm, factual, or even brisk—but underneath, many are carrying anxiety, guilt, fear, or sadness.

Because adults don’t always display strong emotion openly, it’s essential to over-communicate.

What does this look like in practice?

• Offer more information than you think is necessary.
  Walk parents through what will happen step-by-step. Don’t assume anything is obvious.
• Be clear about what to expect.
  For example, before the first session where a parent stays with their baby, explain:

“We’ll sit down together near the play area. You’ll stay with your baby as they begin to explore. They might want to stay in your arms the whole time—and that’s totally okay. We’ll observe what they’re interested in and what helps them feel safe. Afterwards, we’ll have a short chat about what we noticed.”

• Debrief with families.
  Don’t let them leave with uncertainty. Acknowledge the emotions:

“That was a tough session. It’s okay to feel emotional—it will get easier. Let’s talk about what we both saw today.”

When parents feel informed, involved, and understood, they’re far more able to support their child—and to trust you in doing so.

4. Look After Yourself, Too

Let’s be honest: settling in babies can be emotionally exhausting. You are holding the weight of babies’ distress and parents’ worries—while trying to stay calm, present, and professional. That’s a lot.

Remember this:

Crying is biologically designed to create a stress response in your body. You’re supposed to feel tense when you hear it. That’s how human attachment works. But if you don’t take time to close that stress loop—if you don’t find a way to release the tension—you carry it with you.

Ask yourself:

• What do I do during the day to regulate myself?
• Do I have moments of pause, breathing, laughter, or support?
• What do I do after work to recover from a challenging day?

Many co-regulation strategies we use for babies also work for us:

• Rhythmic movement (walking, swaying, dancing)
• Gentle voice and music
• Warm touch (a hand on your own heart, a hug from a colleague)
• Deep, intentional breathing

And perhaps most importantly: team culture matters. Talk to your colleagues. Support each other. Create a room where it’s okay to say, “That was hard.”

5. Commitment to Thoughtful Action

Settling in isn’t just a practical task—it’s a deep act of relationship-building. It’s where we show babies and families who we are, and what we value. We can either communicate: “This is a place that gets through the day,” or we can say, through every small action: “This is a place where you are seen, held, and understood.”

So here’s the commitment:

• Slow down. Don’t rush the process.
• Tune in. Trust what babies are showing you.
• Hold space. For their feelings, for parents’ fears, and for your own emotional labour.
• Communicate openly. Even when it feels repetitive.
• Look after each other. No one can do this work well alone.

You can use the checklist below to reflect together as a team on your settling in process at the moment, and find ways to develop it further:

✅ Settling-In Checklist for Baby Room Teams

Based on principles of emotional safety, co-regulation, and respectful care

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🕰️ 1. Slow Down the Process

Give time and space for each transition

Are we settling in only one baby at a time?

Have we agreed as a team what “settled” looks like before beginning the next baby’s transition?

Do we use the three-brain-questions to reflect on a baby’s state?

Am I safe? Am I loved? What can I learn?

Have we discussed with the manager how to protect this slow, respectful pace?

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❤️ 2. Prepare for Emotional Distress

Anticipate emotional responses, don’t try to avoid them

Are all team members confident in understanding distress as a fear response, not a behavioural issue?

Do we have shared strategies for co-regulation?

Soothing tone of voice

Calm body language

Gentle physical presence (if welcomed by the baby)

Use of rhythm (rocking, singing, swaying)

Do we talk as a team about what works with each baby to regulate them?

Have we agreed not to distract babies away from emotion, but to co-regulate through it?

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📣 3. Over-Communicate with Parents and Carers

Offer more communication than seems “necessary”

Do we clearly explain each step of the settling-in process before it happens?

Do we debrief with parents after each session (even short ones)?

Do we have a shared language to reassure and inform families?
e.g. “That was tough, and completely normal. It will get easier.”

Are we sharing observations of the baby with warmth, clarity, and honesty?

Do we make time to actively listen to how families are feeling?

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🌱 4. Look After Ourselves and Each Other

Recognise the emotional labour and support well-being

Do we openly acknowledge that settling-in is emotionally demanding work?

Have team members identified their own ways to regulate stress during the day?

Breathing techniques

Taking short pauses

Talking with a colleague

Movement or gentle stretching

Do we regularly check in with each other about how we’re feeling?

Is there space in our day or week to reflect as a team?

Do we have a positive, supportive team culture where emotional honesty is welcome?

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🧭 5. Commitment to Responsive, Respectful Practice

Stay focused on relationships, not routines

Are we observing each baby closely to understand their needs, preferences, and signals?

Are we prioritising relationship-building over rushing through routines?

Are we checking ourselves for signs of pushing too fast—or underestimating the emotional impact of transitions?

Are we advocating for the emotional needs of babies with confidence and clarity?

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🌟 Optional: Settling-In Session Prep

Before a new settling-in session begins, ask:

Who is the key educator today?

What does the family already know about the process?

What will we say to them when they arrive?

What will we say when the session ends?

What’s our plan for debriefing together as a team?